The Draft Day Case Race Experience

It's that time of year again my friends, to the show that never ends, almost literally. Where that fat, ruining of picks, hawaiian shirt wearing fuck, and coked out, I mean esteemed colleagues meet for the 2007 NFL draft.

Quick side bar about Kiper here, these last couple days he has looked like a MESS. He needs proactiv and some sunlight STAT. Also, who has the sweeter gig, Kiper or Santa Claus? Both only work 1 day a year (yes they "make toys" and "study game film", but let be honest here, it's 1 day of work). Santa has chicks sit on his lap, Kiper has TRE-mendous hair. Tough call.

Ok, so with the festivities all set to unveil in roughly 24 hours, lets take a sec for me to get my mock draft on. Now, I humbly realize these won't be correct, the draft is like setting up a bunch of dominos for a cool trick like it was Mouse Trap, as soon as you miss 1, the whole thing is fucked up. But that being considered, I'll run down some names and cock sizes (which was a new combine feature this year), since the majority of you don't know who's going where, or really care for that matter. I'm a tradionalist, fuck me.

1 - Oak-motherfucking-town - it's jaMarcus Russel here people. Fuck what ya heard, this guy throws the ball 80 yards like it was shot out of a cannon. NOT to be confused with the sex cannon though.

2 - Deeeeeetroit - Honestly? Who knows. Fire Millen is a god damn joke. I REALLY see them swapping picks with Tampa here, so I'm rollin with weed smoker #1 Calvin Johnson. If you go by what "experts" say, this is Jesus Christ with a facemask, saying he's grading higher than Bush last year. No.fucking.way. Dude is a total beast though, and should break that "don't draft a WR in rd 1 thing"

3 - Brownies - Rich old dudes LOVE white quarterbacks from Notre Dame, so this is a no brainer. Romeo Crennel is oging to get fired anyway, might as well draft the local kid to keep ticket sales up. Brady Isn't as accurate as you may believe, and relied on some UNREAL wideout's the last 2 years with Stovall and Smardjisidasddfn;a. He'll have weapons with Braylon and Kellen, who have made some QB's even WORSE than Brady looks decent. I'm not sold on Quinn, we shall see.

4 - Tampa Bay - As I said, I think this pick will be D-12's, but either way, I'm going Gaines Adams here. Lions have a raging hard on for Patrick Willis, but they need, so does Tampa for that matter, some speed, youth, and the ability to pressure the QB on the D-Line. Big time DE's dont' go out of the top 5 (see Mario Wiliams). Adams gets the nod.

5 - Buzzsaw - Matt Leinart, Edge, Anquan, and Fitz SPRINT to the podium before Zona has a chance to blow this by taking Joe Thomas. "Grades" out better than Brickshaw did last year, and OT's like him should NOT be available at pick 5. Buzzsaw protecs their assests, literally, by taking some MUCH needed OL help.

6 - Snyder's Foreskins - They have been going down on Landry recently, but a hard hitting safety who can't cover anyones job is already Sean Taylors, so I would hope Gibbs wises up and grabs Amobi Okoye, the 19 year old whizzkid who will be a free agent at 24!!! A lot of NFL'ers are just figuring out that condoms help you form having 11 kids in different states and how to drive away from the police. This kid will be signing his SECOND contract. Wow. But remember Snyder is friends with Tom Cruise who may be the only successful person OTHER than Snyder who is more crazier, so who knows.

7 - Vikes - LaRon Landry is pretty much a no brainer here. They have a ball hawk in the secondary, but have a legit void for a hard hitter. Landry knows Cover 2 (but NOT how smoot "covered 2", if ya know what I mean. double sided dildo

8 - Dirty Birds - Jamaal Anderson, not THAT Jamal Anderson, this cat has 2, count um 2 "a's". Kerney's gone, and Abraham, when not almost killing his son in the Old testament, can't stay healthy. It's a need pick, and most certainly not a reach. Now all those people who bought Anderson jerseys in the 90's are hoping to get some re-wear out of them. This dude may have the lowest total of jersey sales for all rookies. I'm excited to find out

9 - Fish - Looks like Levi Brown is the unaminious selection here. Fins need help on the o-line, and this guy rates as the #2 OL. It's a fucking offensive lineman, I doin't have anything funny to say here, next.

10 - Houston - The whole damn city runs to turn this card in, Adrian Peterson redeems the whole Texans fron office staff. They REALLY need a RB, and even with 1 collarbone, Peterson is the best they've EVER had. If Peterson is on the board, and they draft someone else, Houston will throw themselves in fornt of trains en mass. Which, from what I hear, is easy to do in Houston.

11 - Gold Miners - Patrick Willis will more than likely be gone by this time, but if not, makes perfect sense. 49ers need help on the 2nd level of their defense, and this kid worked out like he took a HGH cocktail, so teams are drooling.

12 - Buffalo - Absolute pissed Willis just went as they REALLY need a LB, Levy has a viagara hard on for Poznulskyski, but it's too early for a slow white guy under 300 lbs, so I think they fill the Clemens void and go with Leon Hall. He couldn't cover elite corners in college, but runs really fast and is a nice guy. Welcome to the top 12 draft picks!!!!

13 - Rammers - I guess it's oging to be Carriker from Nebraska, they have so many spots on their defense the levee's in New Orleans are in better shape, so whoever they have rated #1 on defense at this point will be taken, I see a run on white guys here though with a huge 2 in a row.

14 - Sex Panther - 60% of the time, it works EVERY time. and this REALLY holds true here, they have 3 needs to fill in TE, LB, and S... all 3 positions have guys who wouldn't be a reach and nice value. Gun to my head? I'll give them Jon Beason, LB from tha U. But Olsen or Nelson could be taken here jsut as easily, only safe bet is that they'll draft a guy fomr the state of Florida.

15 - Tha Burg - Need a corner, and what? A guy who WENT to Pitt is available and good? And the people up there LOVE homegrown kids? no way. Revis is the pick. Iron's all around Pitt are nervous and about to be consumed in mass quanitity.

16 - Pack - By this time I will be drunk and unable to remember the next few hours, so it sounds like a GREAT time to take Marshayn Lynch. They need a RB with dreads since Ahman Green left, well wouldn't ya know it, there is a black guy with dreads who likes running away from people. Match made in heaven.

17 - Jax - Depressing city gets some homegrown talent at safety, Reggie Nelson is the guy and IT'S A RUN ON DREADS. People across America start tokin and listening to Marley in rejoice! Oh wait, they are just smoking to be able to deal with Berman for another couple hours.

18 - Bengals - The city's law enforcement is giddy with anticapation on who they can arrest next, and it looks like tasers will have to be used with big ol Alan Branch coming to town. Branch was top 10 talent, but only decides to play every so often, so he slips to 18. Cincy needs to stop the run, this guy is wider than the lines of coke being done by Chris Henry when they make this pick.

19 - Titans - Need a WR for Madden curse 2008 VY and a return guy to replace Inmate# 320865, goes by the street name PacMan. So it looks like Ted Ginn gets the call.

20 - Gints - Coughlin loves white dudes who listen, so almost a given it's Posluszny. Only other guy would be the even BIGGER white dude Joe Staley at OT to watch Eli's ass. But Eli gets that from the meatpacking district in the city anyway.

21 - Donkeys - They are trying to trade up in the top 5 for either Calvin or Thomas, so expect either a WR or OT here, the wide outs are about the same, so I'm going with Joe Staley to help keep Cutler upright.

22 - Cowpokes - Have addressed all of their concerns already in the offseason, so these are luxury picks. Dallas doesn't like drafting offense in Rd 1, so they'll stay in state and go with Aaron Ross. Corners always go in bunches at the end of Rd 1, I don't see a reason for that to change.

23 - KC - REALLY need to draft a WR, but they've needed to do that for 3 years and haven't, so who the fuck knows. But Meachem carries a mid 1st rd grade and NEEDS to be gone by here, I'm hoping he's not so the Bolts get him, KC needs o-line help, as all their monsters have drifted into the sea.

24 - Patsies - Who knows, these guys draft with no rhyme or reason, and always make it work. Strickly a guess, but safety looks like a good spot, next guy on the list will either be Griffin in UT or this guy, who I'm going with Brandon Merriweather from tha U.

25 - j-e-t-s .... - Olsen seems like a good fit, considering Pennington can't throw it that far. Olsen gives them a threat in the middle of the field. tha U rejoices, then wonders if they had so much talent, why did we totally suck last year.

26 - Iggles - Micheal Griffin sounds about right. I'd say more, but most my friends are bird fans and would be pissed at all my iggle jokes, so lets move on since they know where i live.

27 - Ain'ts - at this point I'd be happy to be able to make a complete sentence, let alone stand up, so I don't see me celebrating the Bolts pick. Saints go with Justin harrell at DT to cause a ruckus, which NO needs on their defense.

28 - Patsies - Why does it seem like they always have 2 1st rounders.. they need a ILB, and harris is the top rated guy, so I'm going with him. But in case you're as drunk now as I will be when this pick goes through, and need a reminder from 4 picks ago, no one has a clue about these guys.

29 - Purple Cammo Wearing Fans - ravens need OL help, so I'm oging Ben Grubbs, again, these picks are boring, and my team is next, so.... NEXT

30 - Bolts - My boys need a safety, but all look to be gone at this point, so getting younger at wide out won't suck, as Rivers will need weapons on the outside of the field. Looks like Bowe from LSU carries a nice 1st rd grade, maybe Gonzalez from Ohio St as well since SoCal is so close to a whole BUNCH of dudes with the last name Gonzalez, jersey sales could sub as workers outfits. Who knows.

31 - Da Bears - Spent all their picks last year on defense, so I'll have them go with Dwayne Jarrett to be Moose's replacement. And the Sex Cannon immediately thorws a football to Saturn and fucks the USC song girls 9all at the same time) to celebrate.

32 - Colts - Need OLB, and Timmons is a great fit. That was easy. Lets just hope he's not gay, I hear Dungy doesn't like that kinda stuff.

Hope this was useful (yeah fucking right), and are able to partake in some festive beverages with me tomorrow. Enjoy the draft kids!

My Easter...

Was quite a bit different than what a lot of you fine folks out there did. For the good stuff.... easter brunch is the fucking balls. There is no way around it. Cadbury eggs? fuck. and. yes. It's fucking eggs made of CANDY! AND fucking sugar cum on the inside! I look like fucking Jenna Jameson eating one of those motherfuckers. I also made sauteed scallops yesterday that literally have changed peoples lives. I'm more than just a pretty face people.





But here's the real fun. The Sixers game last night. It's the true definition of we laughed, we cried, it became a part of us. As if I knew know what I did BEFORE the game, mi madre would have never gotten the invite. Game starts out easy (I have been drinking wine all day), enjoying life.

Game is anti-climatic for the most part, save Young Buck's dead sprint dunk, and Josh Smith's reverse oop (WAY fucking incredible). Sixers played like shit in the 2nd quarter, which MAY or may not have resulted in what happens next....


FUCKING DUDE 10 ROWS UP FROM ME DIES!!!!! His wife is a mess, crying all over the place. Dude isn't breathing, it's a bad scene (insert, this is what you get for being a sixers fan joke). Meds arrive, and drag the guy, straight out of his seat, up the isle, compleltly unconscious.


To say the least, it kinda took the air out of the building.


Next is where my Easter comes full circle. Cut scene to halftime, I'm watching the Sox game, yup, you guessed it, drinking with my lil bartender from the Gods, and D calls. Apparantly someone is having trouble getting into the Lex. Who is it you ask?

That would be Mary Carey. Now who is this genius blonde who speaks in iambic pentameter, who reads Tolstoy in her spare time, that is close for solving for Pi? Rhodes Scholar? Nobel Prize Winner? No. She's a porn star. She's also the chick who ran for govenor of Cali. She was bombed out of her tree and security wouldn't let her on the floor to get into Lex. So I go and save the damsel in distress. I introduce myself to her tits, I mean I say hi. Tell security she's good, and we romp, where we directly go into the mens room where she gives me a toe curler blowjob. Ok, 1 of those things aren't true. I just won't say which. A gentleman never tells.

The rest is just boring details of the why's, the black guys yellin at her, the doucebag she was with in a yankee hat, her other porn star friends who were there, the story of why I did it, and not someone who works there. But lets be honest, you people don't want to hear that shit, you want me to post a pic of her with no clothes on..... Who says I don't love you people.....